Saturday, November 24, 2012

Puella Potions Multiversal Press Release: Poko-Pellets

To all our fine customers, (a)moral protagonists and masters of dungeons and games,

 Here at Puella Potions and Miscellany (We have a total of three employees now!) we work our utmost to make sure that our customers, current and prospective, are not only satisfied with their purchases but well educated and well versed in their uses as well. This is an exceedingly important aspect to our interest in prolonged business; when one is a purveyor of potent potables and other potentially dangerous items, safety is definitely a priority.

You can imagine my alarm when I found that one of my newest products, The Once-a-day food pellets had reached the shores of other dimensions and were being used as makeshift weapons! The horror! I hadn't even released them officially yet. Perturbed as I was, I managed to keep cool about the whole situation. Honestly, the best thing I can do is inform as many people as I can on the proper use of my pellets. If you want to go ahead and use them all willy-nilly-dilly-wrong then that's on you Mister Meanie, not me.

Anyway! On to the point of this press release.

Article 1) On proper use of nutritionally viable Poko-Pellets
Loaded down with iron rations? Tired of taking constant snack breaks between dungeon rooms? Wizard getting a little flabby from high calorie adventuring food? Fret not weary traveler! Puella Potions and Miscellany has the solution. What if I told you that you could swallow a small pill in the morning to sustain yourself for the entire day? Trust me. I'm not gonzo - such a product is available to you dear adventurer, for a reasonable price! Pick up your packs of "Poko-Pellets" today!

  • Light weight and easy to store! Each container weighs about 1/10th a pound and can fit inside nearly all standard issue traveling pouches!
  • Different flavors are available! Feel free to try our Chocolate-Peanut Butter and Squishy Troglodyte varieties!
  • Each pack has enough pellets for a week and costs a mere 15 Gold Pieces! 
Instructions: Take one pill a day, each morning unassisted by any liquids save ordinary water. Do not consume any other food for twenty-four hours or swallow anymore Poko-Pellets. Please refrain from drinking any liquid beyond ordinary water for at least eight hours after ingesting your pellet.

Article 2) Effects of being a Rudy McChurlish and not following the specific instructions contained in Article 1
Look, this isn't my first time selling potentially dangerous items to the occasionally irresponsible vagabond OK? I know what some of you are thinking. I know I can't change your minds, but at the very least I can provide you a guideline as to what may occur if you mess around with my poor little Pokos.
(︶︹︺)


The mishap and side effects, alongside their probability of occurrence have been organized in the universally recognized format; The random table.

IF POKO PELLETS ARE MISUSED PER THE FOLLOWING
  • More then one Poko Pellet is consumed in a 24 hour period
  • The Poko Pellet is consumed or contained in a liquid other then ordinary water
  • Ordinary food is eaten within 24 hours of the swallowing of a Poko Pellet
  • Liquid besides ordinary water is imbibed in an 8 hour period after swallowing a Poko Pellet

THEN PLEASE CONSULT THE FOLLOWING TABLE
(d100 Roll for each infraction to the above guidelines)

01 - 20: Nothing obvious happens initially; subject gains (1d4 x 50 pounds) while sleeping. Weight gained is otherwise normal and should be treated as such. Generally it may only be lost via conventional means. If Pellet is suspended in a container with liquid, it just seems to expand slightly and crumple apart.

21 - 34: Subject immediately begins to swell up like a balloon for 2d4 rounds. Armor and clothing will snap off; Armor does damage to the subject equal to the AC bonus it provides. Subject is very vulnerable and plodding in this state and incurs a -4 penalty to attack roll and their total Armor class. Movement rate is quartered. Bludgeoning weapons do half damage, while slashing and piercing do double to the subject. This expanded state lasts for 12 hours. Pellets placed in a strange liquid turn whatever they are immersed in into a gas.

35 - 38: Same as the above result, except at the end of the initial 2d4 process a saving throw versus death must be made. Failure indicates the subject has exploded.

39 - 49: Prismatic Bull-Malarkey. One of the following spells explodes from the pellet or is vomited forth by the subject; (1d4 Roll) 1-2: Color Spray, 3-4: Prismatic Ray. If vomited, the subject inadvertently aims the spray into a random, 15' cone. If the pellet itself explodes in a container, it is instead a 30' circular area. Both spells count as being cast by a magic user of the minimal level for the spell rolled.

50 - 57: The subject must make a saving throw versus magic or transform into a small, adorable creature with no discernible use. Combat and magical abilities remain intact, but they may only speak a single nonsensical word and cannot use their old old equipment. Their natural weapons do 1d6 points of damage. The effect is permanent in till Remove Curse or a similar, more powerful spell is cast upon the subject. A non-swallowed Pellet transforms into a hideous squish-toy of no real value.

58 - 68: The subjects general coloring changes to an adorable theme; this effects not only the hair and skin of the swallower, but also their equipment. Themes include (1d4) 1. Peppermint, 2. Peaches and Cream, 3. Mint Chocolate Chip, 4. Strawberry Cheesecake. There is a 30% that accessories, weapons and armor will be altered cosmetically to fit the theme rolled. An independent pellet squeals like a small child and melts into nothing.

69 - 74: A saving throw versus magic is prompted in the subject, if failed they will begin to Levitate uncontrollably for five minutes. A free-floating Pellet does the same.

75 - 80:  The Subject must make a saving throw versus magic, roll again if failed. The subject believes the new result is happening, but it is most certainly not. A non-swallowed pellet bursts into razor sharp confetti, and anyone within 10' of the resulting pop takes 2d4 points of damage.

81 - 85: Subject/Pellet begins to spew harmless white foam, but can do little else but move a half their normal rate while this is happening. This continues for 1d6 rounds - the foam dissolves harmlessly, but will kill most extra-planar (55% chance) beings on contact.

86 - 89: Subject's body loses its consistency and form, slowly transforming into a slime-like version of themselves. While they gain the ability to stretch, flatten or otherwise contort because of their newly malleable status, they are no  longer able to run or wear armor or clothing. 

90 - 94: Subject transforms into a terrifying, monster version of themselves - all equipment fuses with their new grotesque form, their HP total Doubles, a +2 to attack and +4 damage is gained. They also hate a random person in view and would like to make their insides their outsides. This effect lasts for 2d4 rounds. A non-swallowed pellet grows an excited face, which contorts to a disgruntled one right afterwards.

95 - 99: The Poko Pellet achieves its ultimate form; the Poko-Dono Pellet! If swallowed, the subject needs never eat again. They will never grow hungry, though water is required to remain alive. However, consumption of any food or imbibing of any non-water liquid will result in a roll on this table. An independent Pellet turns bright gold and gains a small crown. If eaten, it will have the effect included in this entry.

100: The subject must roll a saving throw versus death or die in a ludicrously gory and dramatic way, usually resulting in enough blood to coat the entire room. A pellet suspended in liquid will grow a face and weep tears of blood while screaming loudly.





2 comments:

  1. d'aaaaaw.
    Please write more posts via Puella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Its a lot fun to write in her "voice", so I probably will.

      Delete